Ron's Long Day
by Mark Horne
Summary: One-shot After the war, Ron comes home from work and his day gets even worse. Pre-Epilogue. RH/?


**A/N** I don't own these characters or their spells, or the setting which is England.

OOOOO

Ron Weasley was tired. This is incorrect. Ron Weasley-Granger was tired. The name change was Hermione's idea, and while it had saved him immense grief from her, he had really gotten an earful from his mum who still, three years after the event, addressed all of her correspondence to Mr. And Mrs. Ronald Weasley. Ron was thankful Hermione blamed that entirely on his mother. Ron was tired. He had gotten used to it months ago when he had taken up an extra shift permanently to make ends meet. But he was still tired. Despite what the papers and the ministry said, there was nothing glamorous about being an auror and almost never anything exciting to it. Ron spent his twelve hour days doing paperwork and walking routine patrols.

Walking, that's what he was doing now, putting down the five blocks between his flat with Hermione and the public Floo. They couldn't afford a direct line anymore, not since Hermione had lost her job for being too vocal and making too many waves. Ron didn't blame her. When he was younger he might have, but the war had changed him. He took up the burden without complaint. If there was a part of the situation that he really wanted to complain about it would be that he hardly spent any time with Hermione anymore.

Today was special though. He had taken the afternoon off and he was going to spend some proper time with the love of his life. They'd put on their finest, go out to a nice muggle place, spend a bit on wine, maybe go dancing or something. They could afford one nice night on the town, he thought.

When he finally reached the doorway of their flat, weariness nearly overtook him and he had to cast a quick _Envenetrate_. In addition to the surge of energy, it also momentarily boosted his senses, and that's when he heard the giggling.

"What the bloody hell?" he muttered under his breath. Forgetting his keys and the door altogether, he simply apparated himself into his bedroom. His auror training was fully kicked in and as soon as he appeared his wand was drawn. He had wished he had been wrong about his initial hunch at the door, but fate had chosen this time for Ron to be right about something.

Cuddled together, oblivious to Ron's presence was his wife, and Neville Longbottom. They were together, nude, in his bed. The one he'd spent a month casting charms on to make it just comfortable enough for Hermione. The one he'd spent extra on to get the waterbed rune. The one he just paid the loan off on. They were screwing, in his bed. His wife, his dearest Hermione, and Neville Longbottom?!

Ron couldn't believe it. He also couldn't believe that they hadn't noticed him yet.

"Ahem," he coughed, his wand still pointed at the pair. When they still don't respond, and it looked like Neville was about to mount Hermione, Ron cast a quick anti-apparation jinx and then said quite loudly, "Fancy seeing you here Neville!"

Neville rolled off the bed in surprise, taking the sheets with him, and Hermione screamed.

"RON! How, how dare you barge in here!"

"Barge? Into my own bedroom? My what nerve I've bloody got. How dare you shag Neville behind my back? And on my bloody bed!" Ron's face was turning bright red.

"Of all your selfish behavior! What are you doing home this early? We won't make rent if you don't put in the hours –"

"I took the night off, one, because I'm worn out, and two because I wanted to spend a romantic evening with YOU! Sorry to interrupt your bleeding affair! And with Neville!" He turned to the man still sprawled on the floor. "I can't bloody believe it, you were my mate! We fought in the war together. How could you do this to me?"

Neville turned crimson and looked like he'd much rather be anywhere else. He made several strange facial expressions. After a moment, he stopped and looked at Ron. "Anti-apparation jinx?"

"The best they teach in auror school," he replied wryly.

Neville nodded. "It was her idea, I ah, kind of got sucked into it."

Ron retuned his glare to Hermione. "You wanted to sleep with this git? Over me?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You are so shallow, Ron. And callous too, I might add. Did it never occur to you that I had needs?"

"Oh bloody hell, I spend all Merlindamned day thinking about your blinking needs!"

"So predictable. Not those needs, you twit. I'll tell you what I needed that YOU don't have, and what Neville could provide. First, he's brilliant and willing to talk about something other than work and Quidditch. We talk about my politics, world events, new magical discoveries. Second, he's a gentle lover, and is happy to fulfill me. He doesn't stop until I orgasm, unlike you. And he's got a great dick."

On cue, Neville stood up and the sheet fell away from him. Ron's eyes widened as Neville's pecker came into view. It was easily two inches longer than Ron's and was still erect. Neville wore a strange expression of embarrassment and pride.

"Nine and 3/8th inches, mandrake wood, with a hollow core. It's very good for casting the Imperious curse," said Hermione with a sultry twinge to her voice Ron couldn't remember ever hearing before. She smiled lustily at Neville. "Oh, and it's all natural. No magical enhancements at all."

Ron felt sick to his stomach. He peeled his gaze from Neville to his wife. "So this has been going on since I started working all the time?"

"Why yes. In fact I quit my job at the ministry to spend more time with Neville."

Ron was trembling at this point and had his wand firmly pointed at Hermione, who made no move to cover herself and was glaring hard back at Ron.

"My mum was right about you. She told me, 'Son you should settle down with that Padma girl. Those Indians know the proper behavior for a lady.' I should have known you'd turn into a right bitch." He paused and took in a long breath.

"Anything else you've got to explain to me?" said Ron fiercely.

"Oh and Neville's pregnant."

Ron took a step back, and did nothing to disguise the look of disgust and horror on his face. "But he's a mate, obviously, how did you possibly –"

Neville looked a little sheepish. "Did you really have to tell him?"

"Oh be proud Neville Longbottom!" She turned back to Ron. "If you had put any effort into your wizard anatomy classes you would know that five percent of male wizards can become pregnant –"

"No, no, everyone knows that! I always thought it would be Harry out of our year, actually. How did you manage to knock him up?"

"Ugh. Ron you are so wrapped up in your staid, outdated notions of sexuality! Merlin forbid you ever thought about bearing the children in our family! No! You were too brainwashed by that prehistoric harpy Molly to ever consider –"

Ron stamped his foot and furiously pointed his wand at Hermione. "Don't bring my mum into this!"

Hermione was unfazed. "And you know what else Ronald! We're going to name him Hugo! After the great muggle revolutionary!"

Ron gasped. "Hugo? That's a horrible name! And after a muggle? Why the bloody hell?"

"He might just be a muggle to you, you uneducated Doritos swilling slob, but he's also the only muggle working for equal wizarding rights in his country, and he's freed the house elves in Venezuela, and, ugh! Never mind, I don't want to have to explain it all to you, you mutton-headed cretin!" Hermione was shaking so much with rage that her breasts jiggled most excellently, and under normal circumstances Ron would have been quite happy. Neville was.

"Oh yeah, let's resort to name-calling! How about this one, you skanky, slut-bitch whore liar!"

"How clever Ron, what an amazing comeback. I didn't think you even knew that many adjectives!"

As they flung insults at each other, Neville continued to test Ron's appartion ward while simultaneously inching towards the bedroom door.

"Hold it mate!" Ron swung his wand back to Neville. "You're not going anywhere! I'd bloody AK your backstabbing ass, but you're preggers, and I know that it was this ruddy bitchslutbitch that put you in this predicament. Sit yourself right down and AAAGH!"

With his attention turned, Hermione had drawn a wand from under the mattress and hit Ron with a _Reducto_ which sent him through the wall of the flat. The spell should have blown him into chunks, Hermione had certainly put enough force and desire into it, but Ron had been wearing spell resistant auror robes. He pulled himself up from the rubble and cast a few quick shields to block more of Hermione's spells. Despite all of his time doing paperwork, the auror training instinctively kicked in. He followed the shields with a cutting curse, which Hermione barely managed to dodge. A great clump of her hair fell to the floor and she tumbled out of the bed.

Her next spell was a levitation spell, not aimed at Ron, but rather the bed, and with a flick of her wand she sent it flying at the red-head. Ron watched the bed rushing towards him and found there was nothing he could do. Luckily, there was nothing he had to do, as the bed was too wide to fit through the hole in the wall.

Hermione, of course, had already calculated that the bed would not squash Ron, but believed that it would be enough of a distraction for her to dash out the bedroom door, which it was.

"Neville, help me Merlindammit!" She shouted at her lover, who had been staring at the battle in mute horror. Her curse snapped him out of it, and he snatched up his cloak and his wand was immediately in hand. He followed Hermione, who was charging through the flat to the front door.

Just as she pushed it open, Ron appeared in front of her. "Avada Kadevra!" He shouted. The green bolt of magic would have pierced the bare chest of Hermione Granger-Weasley and ended her life, but for Neville Longbottom-Granger (As Hermione liked to call him) who, knowing the limits of Ron's anti-appartion ward, teleported in front of his true love and took the spell for her.

Neville collapsed, dead, on their front porch, a smile across his face.

"Gor blimey! He bloody died to save you, a no-good backstabbing wench!"

"Ron, shut up! The baby! You just killed a baby! Oh Hugo!"

Ron shook his head, and turned pale. Hermione began to tug at her hair and wailed.

"There's still a chance to save him. I…I learned a spell in emergency medical magic to transfer an unborn child from one person to another. I could put him in you," said Ron quickly.

Hermione looked up from Neville's corpse, eyes flooded with tears. "DO IT!" she cried.

Ron nodded solemnly and quickly cast the fetus transfer spell. Hermione held still as he touched Neville's navel, and then hers and muttered the final incantation. There was a dark purple glow where Ron's wand touched, and then Hermione turned green and vomited all over the ground. Ron couldn't help but smile.

"It worked. You should be nauseous for a few days, and then the normal pregnancy bit will take effect, and there's no telling what will happen then."

Hermione trembled and wrapped her arms around herself. "Ron, I want to try again. I've been very cruel to you, but I think we can work out our differences. Even when you should have, and legally could have (barbarian patriarchy wizarding laws), killed me, instead you put my wishes to keep my baby with another man alive. You set aside your desire for revenge to make me happy. You really do love me, Ron."

She embraced him and they kissed passionately.

And that is why their son's name is Hugo.

The End


End file.
